Funny quotes

Ann Landers :
“At every party there are two kinds of people . . . those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”

Anonymous :
“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.”
Bill Cosby : 
“Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: The wife is in charge.”
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“That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.”

“I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.”

Billie Holiday : 
"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen and she was sixteen. And I was three."

Bob Hope : 
“Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.” 

Cathy Ladman :
“My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.”

Cher :
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing . . . and then marry him.”

“Husbands are like fires . . . they go out when they're left unattended.”

“I'm still friends with all my exes, apart from my husbands.”

Christopher Morley :
“The trouble with wedlock is that there’s not enough wed and too much lock”. 

Dennis Miller :
“After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.”

Dolly Parton :
“My husband said 'show me your boobs' and I had to pull up my skirt... so it was time to get them done!”

Elizabeth Taylor :
“I'm a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too . . . for being married so many times.”
SOURCE: Funny Quotations